Notebook
by Lolita Rafane
Summary: Izaya's 1 month absence led Shizuo walking subconsciously to Shinjuku and ended up stalking the raven after accidentally witnessing Izaya's family reunion. After an incident which made them temporary housemates, Shizuo learned more about Izaya's daily life, and the sad reason behind his disappearance.
1. A Change In You

Title : Notebook

Chapter 1 : A Change In You

December 30, Ikebukuro, Japan.

Another cold winter in Ikebukuro. Thin layers of ice and snow blanketed the grey afternoon of that particular beloved city. The slippery pavement filled with highschoolers trying to sell Christmas and New Year cakes while enjoying their last few months with their friends before drifting apart to different colleges or universities.

Heiwajima Shizuo, famous as the Fortissimo of Ikebukuro, was an average man going into an average bakery to buy average tarts and other small cakes as a way to celebrate the coming New Year alone.

Yes. The sad truth. 'Alone'.

He never really had many friends to begin with, considering how his uncontrolled temper would potentially end one's life with just one swing of his fist.

But he didn't mind a bit of solitude. Heck, he preferred the silence and tranquility blessed upon him in that havoc-prone city; not some loud outbursts of color gangs or any other games Izaya laid clear for everyone. Even with the obvious layout, 'humans', as he would call them, never had the option to control their own strings.

Who is this Izaya? Well…

Orihara Izaya, informant and a major _asshole_ of Ikebukuro. He didn't really live in the mentioned city, but most of his cards were scattered there. His real place in Shinjuku served as his sanctuary only for sleeping and official working purposes; not really a playground for him to kick sands into the faces of nameless victims.

That's just how Orihara Izaya worked his life; nothing of Shizuo's concern. As long as the flea is out of his frames of life, he didn't mind.

Shizuo carefully picked his choice of pastries before bringing them over the counter. Waiting for the cashier to finish her job, the blond's sight fell upon a basket of… of.. what, exactly?

"Ah. I see you are interested in our latest sale." The cashier said, startling the blond for the sudden conversation. "They're voice-recording greeting cards. Instructions are inside."

Shizuo picked one up, examining it closely through his blue shades. "They look like ordinary boxes to me. Weird what science came up with these days." With no purpose or need to buy the object, he neatly placed it back in the basket.

'It would be nice to receive one of those cards one day…' He thought to himself as he carried the bought goods in a plastic bag and walked towards the park.

What else was there to do in the middle of a freezing holiday?

.

Shinra sat down on a park bench, rubbing his cold hands together. His surgical instruments safe inside the protection of his black bag.

"Hah… It's so cold… I don't know how people managed to get themselves shot during these times of the year. Mmmhah… So… c-cold…" The piece of thick trench coat he was wearing wasn't enough to keep his heat in.

As if by God's cue, he felt a strip of warm scarf wrapping his neck.

"If you're that cold, you should wear something to cover your hands." whispered a voice behind him.

Deep and well-toned voice. Shinra immediately knew who presented him with those extra warmth.

"But Shizuo-kun! Won't you feel cold?" Despite those words, he was already snuggling into the blond's soft scarf.

"Not really… As long as my sleeves are down, I'm fine." Shizuo calmly said, taking a hot egg-tart out of his shopping bag and gave it to his friend. "This will warm you a little. Fresh out of the oven. Bought it minutes ago."

The blond shove himself closer to the doctor, the rush of heat mutually shared through their touching shoulders.

Shinra didn't hesitate when he was offered the small tart. He cupped his hands together and let the pastry sleep warmly on his icy palms. "T-Thank you…" Tears pooled around his eyes. "I feel so loved…"

Under the lightly falling snow, Shizuo stared at the way his friend eat the crusts of the tart before moving on to the centre of such delicate masterpiece.

"You know… You're relatively calm these days. Something happened?"

"… … No. Izaya isn't around to piss me off. He kinda disappeared after the November party at your place. I guess it's a good thing, considering how peaceful the city is without him. I'm cool with that."

Shinra's eyes blurred out, lost at the thought of 'something' in his head.

"Shinra. Oi. Are you even listening?"

The doctor's attention snapped back into reality, almost forgetting the reason he spaced out in the first place. "Err, yeah… Sorry. You were saying?"

Shizuo sighed. Obviously, a fragment of his words must've bothered the doctor. "Shinra. I'm not as smart as Izaya doesn't mean I can't notice a troubled person. What's disturbing your thoughts?"

"I don't know… I'm worried about Orihara-kun. His mentality isn't really stable during these time of the year. I don't want to disturb him though." Shinra rose to his feet and carried his bag over his shoulders. "Thanks for everything, Shizuo-kun."

"Wait… What do you mean by 'mentally'? Is he crazy or something?"

Shizuo didn't get to hear the answer as Shinra happily skipped back to his apartment.

He furrowed his brows, thinking about Izaya's case along with another thing.

"I was going to ask for my scarf back…"

.  
December 30, Shinjuku, Japan.

_Mentally unstable… Mentally unstable… Mentally unstable…_

'Come to think about it, the flea usually disappears around January, then suddenly popping out of nowhere in the middle of February. But this is the first time he vanished before December.'

Shizuo absentmindedly let his feet carry him somewhere. He didn't expect to actually end up in Shinjuku. He peeked into his phone.

'1:12p.m. Still a lot of time to kill before nightfall.'

The bag of cakes and buns in his hand began to get cold after walking in the snow for who-knows how long. He popped out one melon bun from the bag and slowly took little bites from it as he walked toward's a certain informant's apartment.

'Might as well go to the flea's apartment to see if he's there.'

But his search for the raven was not required.

Standing one block ahead of him was none other than the Izaya he was looking for.

He wanted to scream his name, throw a lamp post at him as his way of greeting, but he did neither. He didn't have the will to fight or yell when he saw what the raven was up to.

Izaya… He was smiling and laughing. Not his usual sick laughs of mockery. This one was filled with sincerity, no second reason whatsoever.

Blending with the crowd, Shizuo walked closer to see what might've drove Izaya into looking so… 'normal'. He tried to remain undetected, and finally, able to get close enough to hear their actual conversation.

"Of course." Izaya laughed. "Don't worry a thing about me. I'm an adult now."

"Yes. We know that. You've grown up into a fine man, Izaya. Your father and I are proud of you ever since your primary school years. We can't believe that our baby boy will turn twenty-four next year."

"Twenty-one. I'll be forever twenty-one, mom."

An older-looking man ruffled the raven's hair, making the raven smile sheepishly under the gentle touch. "Sure you are, forever-twenty-one man."

The 'mother' leaned over to give a kiss on her dear son's cheek. Surprisingly, Izaya too leaned forward, letting the family kiss melt into his pale skin. "Do find some time to visit us back in Russia. Mairu and Kururi are enjoying themselves in Moscow."

"You'll be missing out all the fun, Izaya." said the 'father'.

Izaya pulled his parents into a tight embrace, resting his head on their shoulders. "I'm okay with that. As long as you guys are happy, I'm fine. Have a safe trip back to Russia. Call me when you guys arrive at each plane-stop. _я тебя люблю маму и папу."_

'Whoa…'

Shizuo just witnessed something he shouldn't stick his nose in. Even if the person is 'Izaya', private matters are his own to attend. His moral conscious told him to stay away and calmly walk out of Shinjuku.

But his spirit of inquiry told him otherwise.

The term 'curiosity kills the cat' was no exaggeration. Curiosity did get the better of him.

_/How was Izaya's relationship with his parents?_

_/Is it possible for him to be treated and loved by like a normal person despite his known sinful acts._

_/Does Orihara Izaya have a side hidden under his egoistic and twisted personality?_

All those kinds of questions buzzed around Shizuo's mind like swarms of angry bees.

But the only way to find questions for himself was to follow him without further detection. In other words, he needed to be a…

'stalker...'

'Or a guardian angel. That's a nice was to put it.'

And thus, Shizuo turned his gaze to the informant's direction, hiding in every corner at an unnoticeable distance from Izaya.

The raven kissed his parents' cheeks before waving goodbye as the pair rode off in a taxi.

Shizuo liked looking at this side of Orihara Izaya. He didn't mind following the smaller male around for a few hours before having to go back to Ikebukuro.

On the other hand, Izaya took no care to the world as he dedicate the rest of his afternoon strolling around the streets of Shinjuku. It wasn't like he had anyone waiting for him in his empty apartment.

.

Izaya walked out of a supermarket, holding a large paper bag of groceries in one arm. He had troubles opening the newly brought umbrella with only one free hand. An elderly lady walked up to him and offered help.

Izaya bowed as a sign of gratitude. "Hmm~ Thank you, kind lady~"

She even offered him three red apples from her own grocery. The fruit being Izaya's personal favorite, he accepted without second thoughts. In return, he gave her a pack of fresh strawberries.

Cradling the paper bag while holding the umbrella up made his biceps ache. Izaya decided to rest at a bridge. He set his things down, hand still holding the umbrella as he tried to find his own reflection in the water fifty meters below him.

Minutes into his meditation, he heard a muffled cry that most likely belonged to a little girl. Not far from him was a child in odd clothing, fur hat matched her long shawl to stay heated, but she had no gloves on.

"Are you alright?" Izaya asked as he approached the girl.

She shot her head up, looking into Izaya's copper-red eyes before crying a bit louder. She spoke a language uncommon to the ears of the people around, though Izaya recognized the spoken language immediately.

"_Mama! Papa! I'm scared!_"

Izaya bent down to see her eye to eye, whispering softly in russian. "_Hush now, young lady. Do you want me to help you?_"

The girl gradually stopped crying, peeking at the raven with her swollen eyes. "_Russian? Do you know where mama and papa is?_"

"_No, but I can find them for you. What do they look like?_"

"_Matching. We wear matching clothes to let people know that we're family. Mama and papa has yellow hair like me._"

"_That should be easy enough~ Give me a minute._"

Izaya asked the girl to hold his umbrella while he worked with two of his phones. In less than the promised minute, he miraculously found her parents. They were at a nearby police station reporting for their missing child.

"_Well~_" Izaya chirped. "_Why don't you talk to your mama and papa while I bring you to them?_" He gave her one of his phones. "_There you go. Your papa is on the line._"

Dropping the umbrella, the girl clumsily reached out for the phone, crying again when she heard her father's voice. "_Papa? Papa! I'm so scared! I'm sorry for getting lost in the crowd! Please don't leave me again!_"

The raven giggled. It was so much fun watching a little foreign girl breaking down in fear. But for this case, he sincerely felt 'nice' to help out a stranger in need.

He closed the umbrella and tucked it into his grocery bag. So he set off for another walk through the streets of his dominance. One hand straddling his bag on his chest, the other holding the tiny hand of a little girl.

.

Shizuo couldn't believe his eyes. _The_ Orihara Izaya, the fucked up lunatic who cared for nobody but himself, just helped a lost little girl; a foreigner who spoke a language he cannot understand at that.

"Hypocrite…" He muttered under his breath along with a few line of curses.

He was about to follow the flea further when he felt numbness piercing in his back. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

But before he could turn around to present his battle fists, his vision blurred into a spiraling clouds of darkness, devouring his full conscience.

'Shit…'

.

After the little business at the police station, he waved his new 'friend' goodbye. _"Be sure to call me sometimes, Irina-chan~ I would love to hear more about the news in Russia."_

With the rest of his afternoon gone with the chilly December wind, Izaya thought that it was best for him to return home.

He wasn't particularly tired. He just felt that he involved enough with humans for the day, not that he stopped loving them.

He disliked snow, at the same time loved them. Their soft cold touch always brought him unworldly ambiance. It was as if his stress melts away just like the snow landing on his palms.

But those white floating frosts also brought heartbreaking memories, a history which he pathetically tried to forget. Sadly, his efforts forced him to bear more distress as he himself cannot let go of the chains that bounded him to his past.

"Every year is the same, ne?" He asked the grey sky, receiving nothing in response but more white reminder of his recollection.

By thinking more about it, he only hurt himself more and more.

Self torment.

He felt disgusted of himself.

Yet, he loved the mental pain inflicted upon himself; an unhealthy habit he developed over the years of…

"Hmm~ Which reminds me~ I haven't told Shinra I came back."

Izaya whipped a white flip phone out, dialing the first number in his list. How many phones he kept, exactly? Nobody knew.

After the fourth beep, Shinra answered his phone. He heard his old friend's cheerful greeting before he could say anything.

"Shinra~ I finally came back from vacation? Do you miss me? Because I sure do miss one of my favorite humans of Ikebukuro!"

"O-Orihara-kun…?"

"Hey…" Izaya calmly smiled to the snow landing on his shoes. "Don't give me that gloomy spirit. We haven't talked in over a month."

"Ah. Yes. Sorry about that…"

The raven froze on his tracks, accidentally dropping his umbrella as he repositioned the phone over his ear.

"Is there something bothering you…?"

"… No…" The doctor puffed out a forced chuckle. "You said the same thing Shizuo said earlier today…"

"I would appreciate it if you're honest to me, Shinra. I'm not as gullible as Shizu-chan."

The awkward silence following after his statement about the blond made both of them slightly uncomfortable.

Clearing his throat nervously, Shinra broke the silence, immediately feeling the regret of his unfiltered mouth. "Are you sure you're alright…? I mean… You're not usually back before February."

"I see no point in running away, dear Shinra. Everything is a painful reminder no matter where I go..."

"… Don't force yourself on anything, okay…?"

"I won't~ I'll go to your apartment as soon as I can~ I have a few work available for Celty. I'm sure she doesn't want to miss any million yen works. So tell her for me, will you?"

As if by cue, the snow fell heavier. Something unexplained made the raven a little bit unease at heart. A bit color drained from his face.

'A death nearby, perhaps?'

Izaya shook the thought off his mind, glancing around to find a temporary distraction. "Ne, Kishitani Shira-chan~ I'll hang up now~ If there's something else to talk about, this number is yours to call."

"Y-Yeah… Take care…"

"Mmm mm~ Bye-bye~"

The raven tucked his phone back into his pocket. His eyes fall upon the fallen umbrella covered by snow.

"I don't know why I bought you in the first place. It's hard to keep you when your hands are full, yes? I'll just leave you and let other people adopt you."

.

'Freezing. Hard. Suffocating. … … Pain…'

Shizuo woke up by the sharp electrical torture all over his body. By the looks of it, he was still in Shinjuku, somewhere in its unused path away from society's eyes. Each flake of snow landing on his bare skin felt like acid, causing him to flinch at every touch from the icy grace of mother nature.

"Hey, guys! He woke u-up!"

"Perfect! Now we can _allll_ feel good together."

"S-Shit…! The drug really worked wonderfully. I haven't touched anybody yet and I'm already at my limit!"

"Wait, Satoshi! This is that Heiwajima monster from Ikebukuro we're talking about! Who knows what he's capable of!"

"SHH! We paid hundred thousands for this! The dealer said that this will definitely work no matter who or what you are!"

"I don't care who the fuck he is. We'll show him Shinjuku's welcome gift. Hehe he hehehehehe!"

"Do you think he's virgin? Can I have the first fuck?"

The intensity of pain Shizuo felt all over his body blurred his vision. From his point of view, there are about six people standing in front of him. "Huh…?" He feebly tried to stand, but every inch of movement sent him crumbling down in physical agony. The shock screeching in his head felt like a thousand knives slashing and stabbing a freshly opened wound.

What drug swimming in his systems, it must had been powerful if he reacted. Let it be blunt shock, sharp cut, or multiple gunshots, he lost all his bodily senses to feel anything long ago.

'But God, dammit! Why does this hurt so much?'

"Che… What do you think you're doing?!" Shizuo growled, forcing his best act to hide any signs of suffering. Like all his other cases, he was hoping that intimidation would get him out of that situation.

The one who seemed to be the leader stepped forward, roughly holding the paralyzed blond by his hair. "You're in no place to talk, Heiwajima-san. You see, my boys waited so long to do something different other than fucking women. They wanted to try a bit of man-to-man action. Thinking of escape? Too bad. The drug worked on you, and everyone here took a bit to get things started."

"W-What are you-"

"You don't understand anything, do you?" The leader whispered into Shizuo's ear. "You can't move. The boys are horny as fuck. Nobody is around to help you. You might be all feared and almighty back in Ikebukuro, but in this city, you're completely powerless."

For the first time in years, Shizuo felt fear. It wasn't the same fear he had about his uncontrolled self. It was something different.

A complete fear of being killed. No, not physically. But something after that 'play' would definitely kill a part of him inside.

"Just stay silent, love." The man pulled his zipper down, releasing his hard throbbing cock. He licked his lower lips, eyes scorching with lust. "It will be over before you know it~"

Shizuo stared at the other's member, unable to keep his gaze off the disturbing flesh as it slowly pushed towards his face.

"G-Get away!"

"Aww! You're not even trying. If you don't want to have fun with us, you can always stand up and run. Nobody will stop you." He slammed Shizuo's head into the wall, then roughly cupping the blond's mouth to shove his cock down Shizuo's throat. "It's not like you have a choice in this~"

Shizuo's breathing grew fast. The only thing he was capable of doing was to shut his eyes tightly and brace for what fate written specifically for him.

"Hey. Get the camera. A sex tape of Heiwajima Shizuo would be priceless!"

'FUCK THIS!' Shizuo mentally cursed. He was supposed to be the strongest man in Japan. 'Dammit, Shizuo! Move! Fight back! Just… do something…! Anything...! Anyone...!'

So why was it that he cannot bring himself to fight back. He was so weak, so much in pain, so drained.

The strength cursed upon him abandoned him in that time of desperation. Nothing changed as he begged for his vigor self to come back.

He was so lost in the sea of his own fear and terror.

.

Izaya took his sweet time walking back to his apartment.

For some instinctive reason, he decided to take another route home, walking in small steps as he tried to avoid stepping on visible lines on the sidewalk. Just by that simple childish act, he felt mildly relaxed.

He was glad to leave his umbrella behind. For now, he felt warmer just by hugging his grocery bag with both hands.

"Snow, snow, go away. Come again another day."

In his mind was nothing but the cold softness around.

.

"Fuck, yeah! The camera is rollin', baby! Hey, boss! Before doing anything, hold his head for the camera."

By then, the other men had long removed their own pants. Two of them started masturbating as the ecstasy of the drug took over their sanity.

"Come on~ Smile for the camera, Heiwajima!"

Shizuo dared not to open his eyes. The mere action of shutting his eyelids hurts.

He could feel it. The hot member centimeters from his face. It was only a matter of time before they violate his body.

Then came the screams from the men who was about to rape him.

Shizuo heard struggles, bones cracking and deafening gunshots. Those sounds he grew accustomed to petrified him.

"W-What are y-you doing here?! You're supposed to be out of Japan!"

"Boss! What do we do now?!"

Shizuo hesitantly opened his eyes, shocked to see a dark figure in front of him, the back of a black coat facing him.

Slender and shorter than he was, an odd paper bag in his right arm and a red flick blade in his left hand. Positive. That person was undoubtedly none other than his most hated nemesis, Orihara Izaya.

A six versus one battle. But the victor was obvious.

"L-Let's just run! I don't want to mess with him!"

Izaya's face deprived from all emotions or teasings he usually fit according to his calculations. He raised his blade towards the obvious leader, copper-red eyes burning a hole through the other's head.

"One of you, grab Heiwajima and run!" commanded the leader.

Stupid enough, one of the man grabbed a metal pipe and ran towards Shizuo. Izaya sliced the blunt weapon in half before the attacker could even get pass him.

Shizuo didn't know which was scarier; the drug in his systems or a serious Izaya in battle.

The raven looked at Shizuo over his shoulder before glancing at the men trembling in front of him. "Disgusting…"

"T-This has nothing to do with you, Orihara Iza-"

His speech dead in mid-sentence, pure horror eating his courage just by looking into those raged ruby eyes.

"F-FINE! YOU CAN HAVE THAT HEIWAJIMA BASTARD ALL F-FOR YOURSELF!"

With that, they fled from the scene. The light scent of semen and sweat in that abandoned place made Izaya sick. Sighing, he closed his flick blade and turned around to examine the paralyzed blond.

"They didn't do anything to you, did they, Shizu-chan? As far as I can tell, you look pretty fine." said the raven monotonously.

Shizuo struggled to speak. The effects of the drug still strong in his body. "N… No…"

Another sigh. Izaya kneeled down beside the blond, touching his forehead with the back of his palm. He enjoyed looking at the pained expression all over the blond's face, but he mentioned no word about it. "Does my touch feel hot, Shizu-chan? Does it hurt?"

"Wha… What do you care…? If you want to rough me up yourself, do it. So it and leave me alone forever…"

"Stupid excuse of a protozoan, shaming the name of all single-cell organism."

"Shu… Shut it…"

"Hmm… Aphrodisiac?" Izaya muttered, ignoring Shizuo's complains. "You're not that normal, so my guess is that you're experiencing something other than the usual stimulations for sexual desires. Ne, Shizu-chan, what are you feeling right now?"

"Hurts… Every touch hurts… So get your hand off of me…"

Izaya didn't say anything else. He gently pulled his hand away, examining the blond's face closer. He placed his bag down and removed his coat.

'Please don't so anything, flea. Oh please PLEASE don't do anything to me.'

The raven grabbed his blade, hovering it over Shizuo's neck. By instinct, Shizuo reluctantly shut his eyes, body trembling uncontrollably.

"P-Please… Just get away from me…"

Izaya smiled, loving the way his sworn enemy reduced to nothing more than a frightened child crying over a scraped knee.

"Izaya… I mean it…!"

'Pfft…' Izaya cut the ropes that tied Shizuo's wrists to his neck. After picking the remains of the ropes off, he covered the blond's quivering body with his coat.

"Huh…?" Weird. Shizuo didn't even realized he was tied up. The warm coat over his head didn't make him flinch away in pain. Even if it was the flea, he didn't mind submitting into the gentle warmth of another man's heat. Subconsciously, he held the edges of the coat closer to himself, fully wrapping his body under the black clothing.

Izaya dusted the snow off the ground before sitting in front his nemesis, their shoes touching. He rested his head in his knees, once again observing the blond closely for any reaction. "It's not like you to come into Shinjuku without any legit reasons. You could've gotten yourself killed just now. Knowing their stupidity, they would gladly lock you in a safe and throw you into an aquarium after raping your little ass out."

Shizuo didn't say anything ( more like unable to ). The torment he felt all over his body overpowered his power of speech, breathing ragged and uneven.

While witnessing his enemy's downfall, Izaya made no attempt to help the other further than he already did. He just sat there, quietly waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

The cold eventually creeped into the raven's bones; so much that his limbs began to ache. For the third time that evening, Izaya let out a long sigh. "You'll have my parents to thank later…"

.

Shizuo laid on a queen-sized bed in the guest room of Izaya's apartment. The flea gave him two thick blankets to cover himself with. Meanwhile, the said informant was in the bathroom, spending long minutes under the hot showering water.

An unmeasured time later, Izaya entered the guest room, bringing in two cups of hot tea on a wooden tray. "Shizu-chan? Are you still awake?"

"Yeah…" Shizuo grumbled under the blankets. With his strength not fully charged back, he pushed himself to sit up straight.

"Still feeling stiff?"

"A bit…" Shizuo flustered over the comment. He wasn't used to these kind of question. Most of the time, people wouldn't bother asking him about his corporeal well-being since they knew very well of his endurance. But to suddenly asked that question, it felt like Izaya really did care for him.

"Drink up. I made yours extra sweet. Once you regained more of your strength, come down and have dinner. If you can't, just tell me. I'll bring what I can up. I would just let Namie do a checkup on you, but if you insist, I'll call Shinra over. He'll be more than happy to stop by."

Izaya's long and lightning-speed talking made the blond's head ache. He raised an arm in defeat, wishing for a short moment of silence. "Listen… Slow down… I can't understand anything you said."

"Ah… So much like you, Shizu-chan… Action speaks louder than word, is it?" He didn't say anything further, slowly claiming his own spot on the bed.

The silence made Shizuo felt somehow intimidated. The air of anxiety choked him spot on, refusing to let air enter or leave his lungs. To be a witness to such a humane version of Heiwajima Shizuo, Izaya furrowed his brow in disgust, delivering a very light slap on the blond's cheek.

"Oi… Snap out of it…"

"Wha…?" All Shizuo could manage at the moment were short answers of degraded intelligence. By what reason he acted that way? He himself didn't know for sure.

Izaya held the teacup up to the blond's lips, steadily tipping it to make the other sip its sweetened content.

Why was Izaya 'feeding' him? Why can't he move his own hands?

For that single night, Shizuo had no control over his actions, falling into shame and mercy of his most hated.

-His most hated, never to be his life's beloved.-

.

Even after the tea and other stuffed sugar, Shizuo cannot move his lower body without stumbling. He decided to skip any course of meals altogether, just until he completely recovered.

Izaya seemed extra nice that night. He let the blond stay over and leave anytime. He didn't throw in trains of taunts or do anything out of the ordinary for a normal human being; taking a bath, eating, cleaning and reading.

'For one month of his disappearance… What exactly happened to you, Izaya?'

No matter how much Shizuo looked at it, Izaya was acting human… Too human to his comfort. There had to be a twisted reason as to why he was being so…

"Hey, Izaya…"

"Hmm…?"

"You took me in today after that close call earlier this evening… Why though?"

Izaya put his book down. The cover of the book read 'Human Mind's Game Of Life'.

"Well… I don't know any answers to such question. Explanations are vast. Truths can overlay themselves, breeding illusions then confusion."

"You don't have to go all philosophical on me, flea." Shizuo almost snapped. He really needed to control his temper around the raven. "Sorry… Let me rephrase that question… Why don't you just kick me out right now?"

"If I must answer that…," Izaya stood up, tucking the book under his arm. "… I don't feel like letting you go before I figure a few things out. You see, I'm debating with myself about something important."

"About what?"

"About you, obviously." Izaya looked out of the window of Shizuo's room, missing a rare sight of a blushing brute. "A lot happened today. I don't think I'm ready to make any big changes in my mind just yet…" He puffed a quick breath out. He lost count at how many times he sighed that day.

"… I-"

"Should I or should I not start a new game? Am I ready to accept Heiwajima Shizuo as someone more than an enemy? The reward I'll get would be priceless, but the price I had to pay is unbearable."

"…"

"Ne, Shizu-chan, tell me what you think. Do you want to give this a shot? Do you prefer for us to get back to our normal lives and pretend that nothing happened today. Or do you prefer a death match to end this confusion?"

Confusion. That was the bump. How the hell would Shizuo answer those question if confusion was the only thing in his mind?

"Flea…" Annoyance strained in his voice. "I don't know what's going on here…"

"I would love to play this game, but I don't have the mood right now." Hugging the book, Izaya laid beside Shizuo on the bed.

Awkward situation indeed.

"My parents gave an absurd suggestion of us living together to help us tolerate each other's presence. But I know how much you loathe me in every way, and I detest every inch of your existence. Still do now. Even thinking about being close to you makes me nauseous."

For that hurtful comment, Shizuo pushed the raven off the bed, giggling when the other landed flat on his butt.

"Ouch! Stupid brute!" Izaya yelled, throwing the book at Shizuo's face. "This is exactly why I am against this idea. We can't get along… This is stupid… Of course you won't consider…"

That was it. That was a once in a lifetime chance for them to get along, a chance to end the unbearable chains of hatred.

Shizuo buried his face under the blanket. "Yup. I can't imagine 'us' having a thing going on. That's so wrong, and so disgusting…"

"Exactly."

"It would be a pain if people started rumors about us being friends. Or worse, gay."

"Exactly."

"And our lives can never return back to normal. The environment we grew used to would… whoosh… down the drain it goes."

"Exactly."

"I'm willing to give it a go."

"Exac- What…?"

Shizuo popped his face out of the thin protection of his blanket. He rolled over to face his enemy. He was getting way too comfortable on a bed that wasn't his own. "I said, I'm willing to give it a go. I don't know about you, but I can start over."

Izaya focused his stare on the blond's eyes, trying to decode whatever thoughts the blond had in store ( if there was any ). "And how exactly are you going to do that? If you think that I can just forget those eight years of wonderful passionate hate, then you're out of your mind, INSANE, Shizu-chan! Do I need to spell that out for you?"

"Why not?" Shizuo laid on his stomach, resting his chin on one hand as support. "I don't really like the idea of facing your shit for the rest of my life, and I don't want to murder a human being too."

"Seriously?" Izaya's eyes shimmered in interest. "You never murdered anyone with that uncontrolled mixture of strength and rage?" The way he spoke of 'murder' sound so casual, as if it was a normal thing in his life.

Shizuo wrinkled his brow, feeling edgy when the question was brought up. Izaya forced their conversation into another topic, but he didn't want to left the question unanswered. "Sent a few people into the hospital, never killed someone though. Stop changing the topic, Izaya. It's annoying."

Full of tenderness and warmth, Izaya slid his fingers through the other's messy hair. He was surprised at how soft it felt even after countless of times being dyed. He smiled when he saw a light dash of red spreading across Shizuo's face. "Until I come up with a rational answer, I'll buy as much time as I want, thank you very much."

"That's an irritating way to put it…" Shizuo closed his eyes. He didn't complain about the touch that felt like wildfire on his scalp.

Both stayed quiet for a brief moment; Shizuo feeling the rare gentle touch he never really received in a lifetime and Izaya playing around with the other's hair.

"Still can't believe you haven't killed anyone." whispered the raven.

"Again with the murder thing!" Shizuo barked. "Izaya, it's not normal to kill people. It's not like you had to do it, you know? There's not act sicker than to take one's life away."

"…"

"Don't tell me…"

"It's not a matter of choice…"

Izaya stood up. He gave one good flick on Shizuo's forehead with his fingers, smirking proud when he heard a small shriek from the blond. "I said too much. Go get some rest. We have a lot to talk about once both of us cleared our minds."

Shizuo rubbed his temples, the drug that magnified his sense of pain still had their effects. "My answer still stands. I'm okay with the plan, really."

"I'm not…" Izaya clarified. "Goodnight, Shizu-chan. And please refrain yourself from murdering me in my own apartment."

Ending the night's conversation, the raven closed the door that separated them from any further argument.

He leaned against the door, burying his aching head into his hands.

"… Such a thorn, Shizu-chan… What a bad time to show up…"

.

[ 22 : 03 ]

A normal time in Izaya's working schedule. However, his self-dubbed vacation killed all his intention of working, promising to himself that he would only work when required.

He _needed_ that time off.

He let some unwelcomed memory dally his trance before the vibration of his phone brought him out of the inexistent world.

**: Are you home? You didn't run to any trouble, did you? :**

'Shinra… Always worrying too much…'

He could feel the fatigue of over-thinking taking their toll, consciousness slowly drifting to sleep.

He never get to send his response, his phone still in hand.

**: I can't help it. It's happening again. :**

* * *

**Author's Note :**

**1. I write this for personal amusement. Any unsatisfactory about the story or the way I wrote the characters won't be minded. This is, in fact, 'FANfiction'. It's a work of _my_ own fantasy, not something to satisfy _everyone's_ taste. Flames are deeply welcomed, but I don't give shit to any request for story alternation just because you don't like how it went.**

**2. I update whenever I want. There's no schedule or rule that I follow. Deal with it.**

**3. Durarara(rarararararara) is not mine, nor do I want to own it. I love it just the way it is; written beautifully by the awesomeness of Narita Ryogo.**

**4. I was hoping to put in one or two life lessons through Izaya's actions throughout the story ( but I doubt my skills would carry me that far ).**

**5. Most of the time, I have zero motivation to write. I need something to change that. A doujin? CMV/AMV? Holiday from college life?**

**6. This is the story of a one-sided Shizaya. ( lol friendzoned )**

_**я тебя люблю маму и папу** - _I love you mum and dad.


	2. Hesitation

Title : Notebook

Chapter 2 : Hesitation

December 31, Shinjuku, Japan.

[ 02 : 39 ]

In an unfamiliar room, unfamiliar city, everything swirled differently from those in his memories.

Heiwajima Shizuo, now under the protection of his most hated enemy, lay still on the bed as he stared blankly at the ceiling. Ever since Izaya left him alone for both of their privacy's sake, insomnia filled his night.

The thoughts of earlier events made his body tensed in horror. Those upsetting flashes that were forever carved into his memory nine hours ago came back to haunt his slipping conscience.

He was powerless, no line of defense whatsoever. In that previous battle, death wasn't his weapon, but a sad saber against him. Never before had he felt so vulnerable, so leashed, restrained from using the strength he cursed so much at a moment he needed it the most.

Maybe death was an ugly exaggeration.

But what difference present between that and having your virginity reaped unwillingly? What difference was there, when in the end, fear destroyed your sanity, leaving you as nothing but a rotting shell?

He was so close to losing himself, one second late would trigger the act. But one out of seven billion people in the world stretched out a hand and stopped his time, pulling him out of the pits of hell.

All thanks to Izaya.

What a joke…

.

Under the covers of his bed, Izaya laid silent as bits of memories fondled in his sleep.

A dream about a distant land outside of Japan, a land covered with snow.

_Wearing a long black trench coat, he walked side-by-side with another man, playfully kicking and leaping through the snow._

_"I love the snow~!" exclaimed the raven._

_"Really…? That's good to hear. I love them too. Are you cold, Izaya?"_

_Izaya leaned against the man's arm, slightly clinging his fingers on the thick fabric of the other's white sleeve. "A little. Nothing that I can't handle."_

_"I'm sorry for bringing you out of here… Come closer…" He pulled Izaya closer, wrapping a black scarf around the raven's neck. A small smile drawn lightly on his face, bringing in the air of total ambiance. "Feeling better?"_

_"Mmm mmm…" Izaya nodded. "You're here to be my portable heating pad."_

_"And you're here being my little black angel." The unnamed man leaned down to plant a ghostly kiss on Izaya's forehead. "How many years must I wait longer to have you all for myself."_

_"Boo. You're so cheesy…" The raven chuckled, snuggling into the other man's chest. Faint smell of lavender filled the icy air. "Really… Thanks for bringing me here."_

_Thank you very much…_

With that, his white dream spiraled back into one black hole, eating every line of light, throwing him into a soundless void.

He wished to never wake up. For long years, his dreams had always been better than reality. Every single night, he succumbed into the illusion of his dear memory.

A mere fantasy. That was it, nothing more, and he knew it.

Yet, it never hurt to have one or two impossible dreams, yes?

"Mmm… Hmmh… See you next time… Mmm… mm…"

Izaya was always the happiest when he's asleep, dwelling in a perfect world in his lucid dreams.

But that one night, everything seemed so real. The dream conjured him in his own bed.

"Eh…? What are you doing here, Shizu-chan…?"

.

[ 02 : 39 ]

Total silence and meditation finally worked its way to sprinkle a little bit of sleep on Shizuo's eyes. The pajamas Izaya lent him felt extremely comfortable against his unwashed skin. He decided to take a bath as soon as the first sunrise came.

Before his consciousness fully eaten by sleep, a loud crash woke him up. It sounded like glass smashed violently against the floor.

Immediately, Shizuo got on his feet, dashing out of his room and scanned for anything broken. He inspected the whole apartment for anything out of the ordinary, but found none.

The only place left to look was Izaya's bedroom.

Shizuo hadn't thought about what possibility lies inside those forbidden doors, hands shaking slightly as he reached out to grab the doorknob.

Another loud crash, followed by endless giggles that sounded all too fake.

"Izaya!"

To civilly open the door would take too much time. Upon compulsion, Shizuo kicked the door down. His hand feeling the walls as he tried to locate the light switch, but failed. The dim light from outside would have to do for the time being. "Hey, Izaya?! Where are you?! What happened?!"

"Eh…? What are you doing here, Shizu-chan…?"

"You brought me here, remember? Who cares about that. What happened here? I heard glass shatteri-"

"Ne, Shizu-chan? Even at times like this, you won't leave me alone…"

"Wh… What…?"

Shizuo squinted his eyes. He could see the raven's silhouette frozen in front of the window. Looking longer, the glass of the window was broken, its shards scattered all over the floor.

"Shit. Don't move from your place, Izaya."

"Shut up…"

"Izaya…?"

The raven bent down, picking up a large triangular piece of broken glass. His delicate fingers twisted around the glass in a manner that caused his own flesh to rip open. Unseen by the blond, Izaya was actually frowning distastefully at him.

"I'm serious, Izaya. Don't do anything stupid. Stay where you are."

Ignoring Shizuo's words, Izaya walked over the shards towards the terrified blond. With one forced tackle, he pinned the other down on the floor. "And I said shut up, didn't I…?"

"What the fuck? Get off me, flea! What is wrong with you?!" When Shizuo tried to throw Izaya aside, the raven's free hand laced around his neck, light play slowly turned into a powerful strangle. "I-…zaya… St-… op… Ghah…!"

"I often wonder…, 'why haven't I killed Heiwajima Shizuo despite knowing how easy is it to assassinate him?'. Seeing you alive is a major drag in my life. Why won't you just… disappear…? Disappear… Disappear… Disappear… Die. Die. Die. Die."

Shizuo used his remaining strength to claw the other's hand away from his neck, but the grip tightened. Even with his unnatural strength, he lost against Izaya's serious murder attempt.

"I hate you more than anything in the world… I hate you, Shizu-chan. Do you hear me? All those times when I say I hate you, I really mean it. I hate you. In my ideal world, you don't and will _never_ will exist."

"I-…Iza-…a… ya…! Hahg…! Listen to… me…!"

Clawing and kicking. Shizuo's strength once again drained from his body.

Copper-red eyes wide and focused on the hated face of the blond, Izaya lifted his arm high up in the air, gripping the glass bloodied by his own life. "Rot in hell, Shizu-chan…"

"Sna-… p… out of… hah… it…!"

A smile of an insane man plastered on the raven's face. "Get out of my sight… forever." The sharp tip raised higher and higher, stopping in mid air, ready to be brought down in one smooth stab. "No more games. No more hesitation. I'm tired of playing this chase over and over and over again."

Why can't Shizuo use his strength? Was Izaya always this strong?

One thing for sure, the raven in front of him wasn't the usual Izaya.

Or was it that Izaya had always been like that, and Shizuo never noticed of the raven's true personality?

Short of oxygen and crushed blood vessels made Shizuo's eyes pooling with crystal clear tears. The blood from Izaya's hand dripped off the glass, landing on the blond's cheeks.

"This is so exciting…! I can't wait to see your dead body sealed in a bloody coffin!"

"Iz… ya…"

"I always, always wanted to do this~"

"S-… Stop…"

"Your damned presence is-"

"Izaya…!" With little might he had left, Shizuo swung his hand up, grabbing onto the raven's torso. His breathing hitched and blocked, drowning in his own sea of tears.

The sudden touch broke the line of insanity inside of Izaya's eyes. He jumped off of the blond. Wincing at the pain in his palm, he nervously trailed his gaze to his hand, shocked and traumatized by his own blood on a broken piece of glass.

Shizuo coughed, body trembled uncontrollably as he strived to sit up, hand hovered protectively over the red marks around his neck.

"Sh-Shizu-chan…?" Confusion and disbelief in union with his voice. Izaya threw the glass aside, scrambling to Shizuo's side to make sure that the blond was alright. "Fuck… Did I do anything to you?"

Breathing still ragged, Shizuo shoved further from the raven. The bruise on his neck wasn't visible under the darkness of the room.

Rather than roaring his lungs out, Shizuo figured that it was best if he didn't say anything about the unnamed incident two minutes ago. Seeing as how hysterical Izaya was, Shizuo forgot to think for his own importance. He brushed the fact that he was almost killed and pulled the raven into a loose embrace.

He was glad that whatever happened before, it had ended.

"No…" He tried to even out his own breathing. "You didn't do anything…"

"I wish I could easily believe that. What I did here is pretty obvious." Izaya pushed himself further from the blond, hugging his own shivering frames as if he just committed murder.

Who was he kidding, he almost 'did' murder someone. ( not that he had never done it before )

"I'm fine. I am perfectly fine…" Shizuo inhaled deeply, clearing his thoughts from other emotion. Face blank as a plank. "C'mere. Let me see your hand."

Another look of shocked flashed in the raven's eyes before dying down into a small serene smile. "You sure are something, Shizu-chan… You should ask yourself that question before tending to other people's well-being."

Izaya stood up, patting Shizuo's head with his uninjured hand. "I've shown you a side of me I rather not have. Go back to bed. I'll clean this up."

"But what about-"

"I can take care of myself. It's not that deep. No need for stitches. But damn… They hurt…" Izaya flinched at the tiny glass shards cutting his feet by each footstep. "See you in the morning, ne, Shizu-chan?"

"… If you insist…"

Izaya's image disappeared as the bathroom door closed between them.

What just happened was beyond Shizuo's understanding. He needed to smoke, to go on a rampage.

_To have someone to talk to._

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" screamed the blond. "Calm yourself down, Shizuo. Calm. Yourself. Down." He spent a good ten minutes on Izaya's bedroom floor, reflecting his change of attitude towards Izaya before leaving to this own room.

Could it be that his attitude wasn't the only thing changing?

'Celty… She'll know what to do…'

.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

Izaya could hear the blond's scream from the other side of the door. He chuckled at the other's immaturity at handling situations. "Heh… You're such a child."

He looked at the cuts on his palm, blood dripped beautifully from those exposed flesh. "Weird… It doesn't hurt that much anymore."

Sitting on the closed toilet bowl, he picked the glass shards off from his feet with surgical forceps. Once he cleaned and bandaged his wounds, he stayed perfectly still, lying down in his dry bathtub.

Did he really tried to kill Shizuo?

"Amazing! Surprise, surprise! You never failed to amuse me, fucking protozoan! I would have finished you off until I hes-"

_Hesitated..._

Honestly, he really did want Shizuo dead, but to see a dead blond, snowing outside at that, it would be too much for him to witness.

"I couldn't… Not when he had…"

'Shinra… He'll know what to do…'

.

[ 03 : 14 ]

Simultaneously, Shinra and Celty woke up in their own respective room when they heard the buzzing sound of their cellphones.

* * *

**Author's Note :**

**1. Thank you for reading. I'm just happy that I enjoyed writing all of this. It's a form of training ( and experiment on different style of writing ). Grammar Nazis of awesomeness are deeply welcomed. English isn't my main language. I messed up my grammar all the time. I don't even know if they're right or wrong. I just write by instinct. **

**2. Personally, I think this chapter had shown a lot of hints as to why Izaya left in the first place. I didn't mean for things to go this fast for him. **

**3. I've re-written this, like, four times until I get this. At first, I want to make Shizuo leave. Then the next attempt was Shizuo asking for a date, but then it will be too OOC. Then I made Izaya checking in on Shizuo in the middle of 3 am. I was like, "Damn, why is it always a 3 am? Whoever touched me during that hour, I wouldn't hesitate to throw him/her out of the window." The idea was okay ( by my standard ), but I can't really write Shizuo's character well.**


	3. Unshared Secret

Title : Notebook

Chapter 3 : Unshared Secret

December 31, Shinjuku, Japan.

[ 03 : 14 ]

"God, Orihara-kun! Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"…"

"… Something happened…?"

Distance apart, two middle-school friends talked on the phone. The feeling of nostalgia washed over their hearts, though they didn't really said that to each other.

"…"

"I can't help you if you're being too silent, Orihara-kun."

"…"

Shinra sighed over the phone, lightly stretching his back on the bed. "So… Ikebukuro West Gate Fountain at nine?"

"Sounds right. See you there." Before Izaya could disconnect the call, Shinra said something that immediately sparked his amusement.

"You know. I would appreciate it if you send me a text message rather than a call in the middle of three a.m."

The raven chuckled. He sincerely missed the times when Shinra actually had the courage to stand up against him as a friend. He cannot remember the last time someone talked to him in such casual manner.

"Telling me that makes me want to do otherwise~"

"… I'm serious… No more calling in the morning."

"Okay, okay~ Well… See you later then." The raven rolled around on his bed, tempted to sleep in the tub. It had been said that the bathroom was the best place to generate some random ideas and inspiration. "Ah, Shinra? One more thing."

"Hmm?"

"Don't let anyone know about our secret meeting, not even Celty, and especially not Shizu-chan."

.

Meanwhile in a different room of the same apartment, Shizuo buried himself under a couple of thick blankets as he quietly pressed the illuminated buttons of his orange phone. Even with the heaters on, the general temperature of the whole room made him shiver.

**: Sorry for waking you up right now. I need to tell you something. :**

**[ Don't worry about it. I'm more than glad to help a friend in need. What is it? Is it serious? ]**

Shizuo felt bad for waking up his friend. He could've just waited till later that morning, but the feeling of 'desperation' drove him to the edge of his sanity.

**: I don't know if this is serious, but hell can't I keep my thoughts straight. :**

**[ It sounds serious though. Want to meet up? I don't have anything in particular to do for the next few days. ]**

Shizuo smiled, happy to have a friend who was wiling to help him overcome the tiny hurdles of his life.

**: That would be great. Both of us still need to rest though. :**

**: How about nine? :**

**[ Ikebukuro West Gate? ]**

**: At the fountain? :**

**[ I see no trouble in that. So, I'll see you at Ikebukuro West Gate Fountain at nine? ]**

**: Yeah. That's about it. And can you do me another favor? :**

**[ Of course. I'll do my best. ]**

**: No matter what, don't tell Shinra or anybody. :**

.

[ 06 : 30 ]

By the time Izaya woke up, Shizuo already left the place, leaving only an awfully scribbled paper on the neatly made guest bed.

**_Going back to my place. Didn't want to wake you up. I poured a glass of milk for myself, hope you don't mind. Cleaned the place a little._**

**_~ H. Shizuo. _**

Izaya must had been very tired if Shizuo managed to slip out of his apartment without waking him up. A soft floor creak would be enough to make him hop out of bed and into defense mode in less than three seconds.

He admired Shizuo's work. The bed covers and pillows arranged just like they were before, maybe even better. Compared to Namie's tidying up, Shizuo did a flawless job.

For memoir's sake, Izaya decided to keep the paper, even if it was only a short scribble from his hated nemesis. Folding the paper half, he barely missed the small but neater writing at the back of the paper.

**_Thanks._**

Izaya stared at the paper in awe, chuckling softly to himself. He hated it when Shizuo shown signs of decency, signs of being human, but he had to admit, _that_ was very _cute_ of him.

"Will you look at that… Heiwajima Shizuo, you grateful little puppy." He tossed the paper into a drawer nearby. "Or a tsundere. Either way, you're still a prick in the ass."

He went to the kitchen to have his morning tea, surprised to find all dishes and utensils used on the previous night had been washed and arranged on the counter. To make his day better, Shizuo wasn't there to mess his plans up.

If he was lucky enough, maybe Shizuo would forget everything that had happened the night before.

Who was he kidding? Living with the brute would be a suicidal mission.

"Watch over me today…" He whispered as he looked out the window. Traces of snow stained the edges of his windows. "Today is a big day, after all…"

.

December 31, Ikebukuro West Gate, Japan.

After secretly cleaning and leaving Izaya's apartment, Shizuo walked straight to his own home in Ikebukuro to take a shower in familiar domains. His original plans to shower in Izaya's place died out as he remembered the horrifying sight of a bloodied raven.

He wondered, 'Why didn't I kill him when I had the chance to?', though he didn't let the subject bother him any further.

All he needed now was to get whatever that was in his head straight.

A single day of witnessing a different-ish flea.

If he had to word out what he felt when he saw how Izaya acted, he had to say that he was _scared_.

Shizuo was dead tired. He didn't get any sleep that morning. His mood was severely off and just about anything ticked him off. To avoid potential outbursts from his part, he sat on one end of the fountain as he ignored all glances from by-passers.

'Why can't I stop thinking about that blood-sucking flea…? It's not like anything big happened between us.'

The need for complicated thoughts fueled his anger. He needed to smoke, if not, anything would do as long as something keep his mind off of Izaya.

"Damned louse… Even if you have no evil means, you still managed to make everything difficult for me…! I'll kill you one day FOR SURE! Shit…! This is so annoying!"

"Kill who?"

"What…?"

Shizuo didn't expect someone would respond to his directionless rant. He turned his head around and found brown eyes staring at him through black-framed glasses. It took him a while to recognize the face.

"Oh… It's you… Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse..." grunted the blond.

"That's not a nice way to greet a friend, Shizuo-kun…"

"Shut it, Shinra. I don't need a lecture this early in the morning."

"Is that so?" Shinra sat beside the blond without permission, immediately earning himself a deathly glare. "My, my, Shizuo-kun… D-Don't need to be so grumpy. It's a beautiful morning, after all~"

Hearing the doctor's voice irritated Shizuo. If Shinra wasn't a significant person in Celty's life, Shizuo would gladly punch his face and send him flying across three or four blocks ahead.

Letting all frustrations and other negative feelings crumpled into a tight ball in his chest, he put them all out in one deep exhale. For years, he tried to control his temper. Sad to say, he never once succeeded in doing so.

"Tch… A lot happened… I don't have it in me to cope all of this stress… And if you don't have anything important to do here, could you leave me alone…?"

"Actually, I'm here to meet a fr- er… client here at nine-" Shinra awkwardly stopped talking when he remembered Izaya's last words in the phone.

_"Don't let anyone know about our secret meeting, not even Celty, and especially not Shizu-chan."_

He wished he could take those few seconds of time back. To think that he was careless enough to let the plan slip. If Shizuo were to ask questions, he had no choice but to lie.

"Who the hell meets up with clients in the middle of nine a.m., New Year's eve at that?"

A sheepish grin crawled its way up to Shinra's lips, highlighting the immature angles of his face. He lunged one hand into his pocket, tracing the edges of his phone with his fingers. "Ehehe… You know what…? I don't think I can meet up with him after all. I remembered that I have something I need to take care of today."

Shizuo seemed to be in a daze, staring at the sky as his brows furrowed, clearly upset about something.

The doctor waved his free hand in front of his friend's face, trying to catch his attention. "Hey Shizuo-kun? Shizuo-kuuuuuun. Are you even listening to me?"

"Nope." said the blond monotonously. All he wanted was to rant his thoughts out to his best friend, not a weird-ass doctor who probably couldn't keep any given secret without 'accidentally' hinting them out.

Shinra let out a short sign, sitting just inches away from e blond. "You're sometimes hard to deal with, you know that, Shizuo? People around tried to show their worry for you, yet you treated them like they don't exist."

"This is not a matter of 'worry'. A lot is going on in my head and I need to get things straight before I turn Ikebukuro into a graveyard…"

"There you go~ You just stated your problem without punching me in the face~ Is that so hard to do?"

"What… You're asking for one…?" Cracking his knuckles, Shizuo let his sunglasses slip a bit down to look at his potential victim. "If you are, I'll do it for free."

"Hahaha! Ha ha… ha…" Shinra's laugh died immediately after receiving a death growl from his friend. "Seriously, Shizuo-kun. You look like you could snap anytime. You can tell me anything. Trust me, it helps."

Maybe he was. Maybe Shizuo really was losing his mind.

He could really tell what it was, but something about the Izaya he met yesterday seemed different.

It was like who he met yesterday was not Orihara Izaya.

Despite how Shinra looks, he was indeed a man of promise.

After a fierce debate with himself, Shizuo decided that it was best to release a bit of the sickening burden he carried since the glass accident. Who knows what would happen if he were to bottle everything up and further.

"Fine… But whatever I tell you, you have to keep them a secret."

"Even from Celty…?"

"… Yeah… Even from Celty…"

Shizuo had a feeling that one person knowing was enough. The last thing he wanted was a couple of people teaming up to rub the truth all over his face. Fending Shinra off his tail would be a manageable job for him.

Shinra took off his glasses, looking at the ground through those transparent lenses. All emotions on his face wiped out as he constructed thoughts of his own. "I won't question why you want to keep this from Celty. So… What is it?"

"It's about… Izaya…"

The sudden mention of the raven's name made Shinra flinch, though he didn't state his reasons.

Putting up a smile, Shinra dipped his hand into the cold fountain water, unable to meet the blond eye to eye. "Orihara-kun always managed to tick you off somehow."

"Tch… Tell me about it… That's part of the mess. No matter what he did, he always and ALWAYS piss me off. But yesterday, it sort of the opposite… Don't know how to explain it…"

Shocked, Shinra jolted up from his spot on the fountain, almost dropping his glasses. Things might be more serious than he originally thought. He cannot even choke out a single word.

Only when the sound of glasses frame hitting the ground did he snapped out of paralyzation. He picked the frame up, smiling apologetically to his friend. "Sorry about that."

"What was that about…?"

Shinra closed his eyes, not even bothered to take a seat.

"Shizuo-kun… Izaya is my friend… kinda… Depending on what you will say, I'll tell you what I see fit in order to protect his life."

"The flea is in danger? And what is this 'protecting' thing? I thought he's a threat to you and Celty."

"He's a threat, no doubt, but he's also more than that, sometimes. It's complicated." Shinra's words were all over the place. He wasn't even sure if any of his words made sense.

_Complicated._

Truly a torturous point for proper clarification of the matter at hand.

"And yes. Orihara-kun is in some sort of danger. Now, punch me or throw me off if you want, I won't say anything until you kindly explain your situation."

Willing to take hits for the flea to such extend, Shizuo wondered what the doctor tried so hard to protect.

"Alright…" Shizuo took another deep breath and continued. "Yesterday, I kinda followed him around for a while. Accidentally saw his parents and whatnot. You know…, stuff that we don't usually see."

"Okay. So far, so good. At least you're not attacking him or anything, right?" Shinra let out a small laugh but quickly silenced down by Shizuo's threatening glare.

"Then I got drugged." said the blond as if t was the most normal thing in the world. "If Izaya wasn't there, who knows what perverted and fucked up things they would do to me… Yeah… The flea fucking saved me from those bastards…"

Unknown to himself, Shizuo's hands trembled by every second he talked. His body felt cold and heavy, nervous to every stimulations from the outside world.

He didn't really want to say how he felt with the drug in his systems. It was pure hell. Everything felt like burning acid and every touch carved painfully into his memories.

Shizuo wasn't ready to reveal such personal matters, but he'll talk.

"Unlike all those times where he would just abandon me in a mess or being a complete jerk, he seemed almost…," A small smile marked the blond's lips. For a few precious seconds, all nauseating feelings were left forgotten. "… almost kind… Too kind to be exact. He didn't sugarcoat anything or say much yesterday, but his actions and the way his eyes shine were all too angelic. Ugh… When I say it, it sounds so wrong and disgusting…"

Shinra slumped his shoulders down, pleased to know that his two friends didn't throw a single punch at each other. But he cannot relax yet. Something told him that Shizuo's tale had not yet ended.

"The flea told me that his parents suggested something to make me and him get along. It has something to do with-"

"Living together to help tolerate each other's presence, is it?"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"Haha~ His parents have been suggesting that since highschool. Forget about that. What happens next?" Even with his happy sing-song way of speaking, Shinra was out-and-out serious in the matter.

"About the plan… I said yes… He didn't seem to be too happy with my answer. I don't get it though… It's a huge opportunity for the both of us. I'm sure he wanted to stop the fights once and for all."

Shizuo pulled out a new cigarette from its pack, taking a long drag as soon as he lit the cancer stick. He needed to relax, clear his mind from all emotions.

He told the doctor about Izaya's strange behavior after the suggestion; how the raven's touch melt right into the scalp of his head. From the moment Izaya left him alone in the guest room till the window accident, Shizuo described everything in detail. Shinra had to hold the blond's shoulder to calm him down.

"I don't know, Shinra. I just don't know…" Shizuo held his friend's "Why must I overreact to everything? Everything pisses me off. Izaya acting a little bit weird made me feel all weird and... and... Ugh!"

_'Why must everything in my life revolve around that damn flea?'_

"The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. I don't even have the slightest idea what is troubling me. It's only one heroic deed he did for me in his lifetime, nothing more. Fuck this. Fuck Izaya. Fuck everything." Shizuo let silence sink deeper into his mind as the butterflies in his stomach ticked him to no end. "It's getting annoying… I'm going home…"

Shinra didn't let the blond stand, stopping him by the shoulders. "Wha-? Shizuo-kun! You can't leave yet! We still haven't figure out what is wrong with you!"

"Well, I'm done talking. No more left to say." Shizuo said plainly.

"Okay, okay. But don't leave so soon. Gimme a minute to think about the whole thing…"

Brows furrowed and knuckles hovered loosely above his lips. Shinra mentally list out all possibilities as to why Shizuo reacted the way he was. Honestly, psychology wasn't his best point, but he'll do everything to help his friend ( even if the 'friend' term aren't completely mutual ).

No matter what theories he came up with, the one that topped other thoughts seemed off-character, especially if the two powers of Ikebukuro were polar opposites.

'Heiwajima Shizuo has a twisted complex towards Orihara Izaya.'

'Same as how Orihara Izaya has a weird complex towards Heiwajima Shizuo.'

Shinra risked pushing the blond a little further off the edge to test his theory. "Exactly what are you feeling right now?"

"Murderous."

"Are you thinking about a person or any specific object right now?"

"Izaya."

"How do you think Izaya will react if you told him everything that you had told me?"

"… I… don't want him to find out…" Shizuo rested his head on one arm, the other hand clenched tightly on to the black fabric of his pants. "No… I _cannot_ let him find out…"

"Why…?"

Shizuo really wanted to punch the doctor, hard, in the face. But he knew that Shinra only wanted to help. In this case, he was desperate for 'help' of what sort.

"I just… can't…"

One last question, and the doctor would decide what to do from then.

"When you talked to him yesterday, do you feel any hatred towards Orihara Izaya? Look me in the eye and tell me the truth."

Even with all the strength gifted upon him, all Shizuo managed to do was a defeated stare into a pair of glassesless dark brown eyes.

Shizuo's silence was enough for an answer.

'Is that how it is…?'

Shinra finally let the breath he held in for so long out.

'Shizuo-kun really meant no harm this time.'

Putting up an unusual pained smile, Shinra once again sit beside Shizuo.

"If Orihara-kun is planning to stay here in Japan, you're sure to find out sooner or later." Shinra's eyes dulled down as he suddenly find his glasses interesting to stare at. "I suppose you have the rights to know, since you're involved… I'll tell you everything I know. But please, by any means, don't let him know that we talked today."

Shizuo was a little bit hesitant when Shinra made such claims. He wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with the flea. He should had just told Shinra to forget everything, walk back to his own apartment and sleep as if nothing happened. He never expected that one word to come out of his mouth.

"… Sure." A small smile cracked unnoticed the blond's face, eyes half closed by fatigue.

Before resuming their chat, Shinra thought that he should at least inform Izaya about the sudden change of plans. Fingers typing and erasing texts as he tried to think of an excuse without mentioning the blond's name.

While Shinra was busy texting a certain raven, Shizuo took the chance to send Celty a text to call off their original plan.

Neither of them realized that at the opposite end of the same fountain sat two other people who had a little chat of their own.

* * *

**Author's Note :**

**1. If anyone ask, 'why is Shizuo's little speech seemed messy and ?'.**

**Well. Try being in Shizuo's shoes, plus his overall personality. I'm sure even you would find it hard to express yourself correctly. **

**2. Already finished the next chappy, but it needs a lot of editing because of my butchered understanding of English grammar. I'll try to identify and fix as much grammar mistakes as much as possible. Living in a place where people speak broken English all their lives has its toll.**

**3. Important question for everyone. How many words do you guys prefer to have in each chapter? I usually write 2000-4000 words, but I get pretty paranoid about these kinds of stuffs. Is it too long? Too short? The thought always haunts me every time I finished writing a chapter. *cries***

**4. I'm sure I missed something when editing this chapter. It feels like a lot of errors fly around here and there, but I can't identify them.**

**5. Thank you for your time, people. Just knowing that some people really took the time to read these makes me extremely happy. I love you all. *bows***


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